Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Am I the only one who sits in the car when it rains, picks a raindrop, and cheers for it to beat all the other ones to the bottom?

   Before sex, you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f***ed

   WOW! I knew you had bad intentions, but I never figured you to be a slut...

   When you have 1 kid ur a parent....when you have 2 ur a referee

   I wish I could collect all the tears you made me cry... so I could DROWN you in them!!

   My repunzle ended up being a b*tch in a costume...

   I am coming to grips with the statistical likelihood that I won't be winning tonight's Mega Millions®.

   have you ever notices all the women who quote Marilynn Monroe, dont like nearly hot enough to be handled at their best, let alone their worst!!

   I should learn how to swim... I'm missing 3/4 of the world...

   You're the one who posted over a thousand pictures of yourself on-line, why does looking at them make me the weird one?

   Insanity is doing the same thing over & over again & expecting different results. In other words, I just logged into Facebook.

   I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

   Trying to get the taste of Weed and Hooker Spit out of my mouth.

   The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.

   I just started an online dating site for Siamese twins....It's called "Connect 4!"

   The best thing about this weather is the short skirts & low cut tops......... Even if they do make me look gay!

   Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

   thinks.... if he where have heard, even 10 years ago..."I google it and then facebook you the answer since I don't do tweets"... I would haved asked you what kind of drugs you were on...

   I just got a pre-declined credit card in the mail...wtf!

   you know I love you like a fat kid loves cake.. But i'm on a diet