Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

   There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

   Don't go knocking on death's door, ring the doorbell and run, he hates that!!!!!

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

   But enough about me, let's talk about you... What do you think of me?

   hopefully Charlie Sheen's fade into obscurity will be a one-way trip

   My mind is like god. It works in mysterious ways, no one really understands it, and people debate over whether or not it exists.

   If you can't amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bulls**t.

   When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

   "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

   Knowlege Is Knowing That A Tomato Is A Fruit, Wisdom Is Not Putting It In A Fruit Salad.

   Before giving a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.

   The brunette asked the blonde why there were bullet holes in the mirror. The blonde replied, "because I tried to commit suicide...it didn't work".

   "Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening."

   you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

   Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

   just gonna park my car at the pump until payday...

   I don't accept blame well, but it's not my fault.

   I must be wishing on someone else's star because every time I wish for something, someone else gets it!