Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   always seems to have the urge to use the bathroom when asked to do something that involves effort

   Sanity is a luxury not meant for everyone

   I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, "Oh. You really can't see, huh?" NO s**t sherlock. You don't see other people taking other people's wheel chairs saying, "Oh. You really can't walk, huh?"

   Women have mysterious ability of communication..........They listen half.Understand quarter & can tell DOUBLE.

   Why is Monday so far away from Friday but Friday is so close to Monday?

   Why yes Officer...I did see the speed limit sign...I just didn't see your car...

   "I'm wrong, your Right, I'm sorry, it'll never happen again"..... Easiest way to solve an argument with the wife

   it me or has anyone else noticed that when you REALLY REALLY REALLY need to go to the bathroom, you are always somewhere where there are no bathrooms around

   I don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.

   If ur freaky and you know clap ur hands (clap clap) if ur freaky and ya know it clap ur hands (clap clap) if ur freaky and ya know it and ya really wanna show it, pull ur pants down to the floor and do a dance!!!! Yay!!!!

   Love is a sacred thing meant just for two. But there's always that one slut who doesn't know how to count.

   In the eyes of most women, every man is born a Defendant.

   Alicia Silverstone named her son Bear Blue? I wonder if she would have liked it if her mother named her Racoon Red? WTF is wrong with these celebs........

   people keep saying I'm not " with it and keep living in the past " screw them I'm off to play on my commodore 64 while I eat a marathon bar

   They want us to think they're backpack leaf blowers but they're actually jetpacks... and THAT'S how they're getting across the boarder! 

   When I grew up I cussed so much that for a while I thought that soap was actually one of the four food groups

   Looks arent everything, but you cant wank over a personality!

   this morning there was ants all over my counter in the kitchen, I killed them all except one so he could go back tell his friends I'm serious about no ants in my house!

   i know they might be comfortable... and hi-tech.. but those running shoes with the individual toes.. really freak me out. and it just makes me wanna kick their ass!

   Microsoft To Buy Skype For $8.5 Billion. goodbye to my camwhoring career ? :'(