Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Extreme Couponing O:

   I have beaten so many Japanese people tonight on Mario Kart Wii that they are going to start referring to me as Godzilla

   I have a ton of leftover horse. I guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was.

   Pippa middleton's ass is like a JK Rowling book..... you know harry's going to be in it

   Girl: Mom, I want some fresh air.. Can I go for a walk? Mom: Yes, but tell your “fresh air” to drop you home by 9 pm..!!

   FAST 6 , "The race to the Senior Discount Breakfast at Dennys". The next movie in the outlived Fast & The Furious Saga .

   I'll date anyone who isn't an idiot, hints the reason I'm still single.

   A woman knocked on my door earlier asking if I would like to make a contribution towards domestic violence.So I punched her in the face.

   the story of the Good Samaritan was being told a Sunday school class. The teacher asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the silence, 'I think I'd throw up!'

   don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

   the good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

   Ahh the Sunday after Easter... Catholics forgot where church was already, see you at Christmas!

   Dear disgusting neighbor, having sex w/guys while your husband was deployed in Korea was just gross. Glad I told him what you did. Sincerely, someone who doesn't cheat

   Fake: it's the latest trend, and everyone seems to be in style.

   Soo busy today but I FINALLY got a chance to sit down for a minute..... too bad i'm still at work and the place I'm sitting is on the toilet :/

   I find my kitchen sink stays much cleaner by washing my dishes in the toilet. When did you say you wanted to come over for dinner?

   The only time I've ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.

   I dont watch porn on purpose...Its alwayz an accident cuz those movie titles just be trickin me all the time..."The Fantastic Foursome"..."Miracle on 69th Street"..."Glad-he-ate-her"..."Womb Raider" and my personal fav "Riding Miss Daisy"

   I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

   My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge. We'll see about that..