Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That awkward moment when your teacher is helping someone with their work, and her ass is in your face

   so who wants to take bets on a William and Kate sex tape scandal by the end of the year?

   No, you didn't get me. If you did, I would be screaming in pain, unconcious or dead!

   If you ever cause me to go to jail, I will slap the soap out of your hands...

   Today I saw two of my Facebook friends join a group called "I hold my boobs when I run down the stairs"

   Looking forward my BIG day tomorrow... Wait it's not mine but it has been drilled into my head for the past 6 months!

   Royal Wedding.. Hmmm..... Wonder whether they will have this Fuss bout big wedding when Justin Beiber decides to get married with the guy of his choice???

   Social Security checks are go paperless. Cause if the is something senior citizens are good at it's online banking.

   People who have high and unnecessary attitudes deserve the standing ovation of my tallest finger !!!!!!!

   My neighbor is having such a hard time, he was divorced 2 months ago and then broke his wrist this week- I told him look at the bright side, now you can change your relationship from single to its complicated

   thinks Donald Trump needs to produce a birth certificate for that thing living on his head.

   non-stop coverage of the royal wedding in the US! The news acts like we are a former English colony or something...

   If I blocked you on Facebook, what makes you think I want to talk to you in real life?

   Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist

   If, at any point, you stopped for Hammer Time, I think it is now safe to proceed

   Driving home today I saw a guy in a pink snuggie jogging. Sadly that's not the craziest thing I've seen in this town.

   i dont trust people with so many studio photos

   If facebook is going to block me from making new friends then it shouldnt suggest them at all

   I hate when I have a dream about fighting someone and then waking up and being pissed at them for no good reason

   the only thing I find more interesting than the royal wedding right now is everything else