Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Troubles keep me interested in my life :)

   I must say you really have a open mind... and a mouth to match.

   Problem: Always get stuck next to obnoxious drunk guy on plane. Solution: Be obnoxious drunk guy on plane.

   Now we finally know what Obama was hiding on his birth certificate. Under favorite band, it says: "Nickleback."

   I'm not sure which I find more nauseating, every detail of the Royal Wedding being broadcast, The View, or that they're advertsing the The View's live Royal Wedding coverage.

   Note to self: Do NOT draft Peyton Hillis this year.

   Safe sex is great sex, better wear a latex 'cause you don't want that late text "I think I'm late" text

   Toward no crimes have men shown themselves so cold- bloodedly cruel as in punishing differences of belief.

   Skinny thugs dress like they're fat. Fat hipsters dress like they're skinny. Guys in drag dress like girls. Am I still considered normal anymore by wearing what I'm supposed to?

   thinks the NFL should stop giving complimentary cutlery sets to the players wives and girlfriends.

   With the possibility of the NFL season being cancelled, you would think that no players would be going under the knife, but...

   Predict how many offseason NFL injuries will there be. Come on, take a stab at it.

   Im sure the bachelor party for this royal wedding crap was insane and there were lots of strippers!! But if you think about it, its kinda creepy. Could you imagine "making it rain" all over the strippers with your grandmothers face on it...

   thinks Mr. Trump should ask a more important question next time around like... "Where is Osama Bin Laden?" or better yet, I'm waiting for Obama to ask Trump if his hair is real and to prove it! JUST SAYIN'

   FACT: The richest man on the planet is a mexican!

   Imac, i-pad, i-phone, i-pod, i-tab………. and finally i-bankrupt :(

   Since the damn world is ending in 2012, I've decided to buy everything at places with a "Don't pay until 2013" plan.

   Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?! Sincerely, 1985

   Dear Scissors, I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either. Sincerely, Sarah Palin

   We all know Obama isn't a natural born citizen, but did they have to send the obnoxious guy with the ferret on his head to tackle this issue?