Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a transvesite goes missing, would you put their face on a carton of Half and Half Milk?

   people will damn believe anything if you whisper it.

   I just watch a damn naked Chinese man run into a wall at full speed with a hard on. He broke his nose.

   To all single men out there, NO, Plam Sunday is NOT like a Valentine's Day for you and your palm.

   This is an "A" and "B" conversation, so "C" your way out before "D" jumps over "E" and "F"'s you up like a "G" :)

   Do not follow where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

   I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

   Happy PALM Sunday to All Singles out there!!

   Its Sunday....Sunday. It comes after Saturday!!!!

   One of the high points about me working Sunday mornings...is reading the status updates people post after a night of drinking!

   I slept like a baby last night,,,,of course minus the peeing and pooping on myself.......

   Do you remember that time we were on the school bus and you had your head out the window and I had my a$$ out the window and everyone thought we were twins?

   Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the Husband, sharks for the husbands mother.

   The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

   Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit.

   Be yourself. Who else is better qualified.

   Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white mans dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.

   Every time I see someone type "prom", I initially read it as "porn". Thanks internet!

   Remembers the time when we memorized phone numbers of our friends, family, and spouses. Now we can't even remember our parents' numbers without looking down at the phone.

   Wouldn't it be great if elevators replaced all their buttons with a single Surprise Me button?