Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To the gal who posted that guys are "creepy" on facebook, dont flatter yourself. You're not all that.

   Do you believe in magic? Yes? Want to go up to my room and make some?

   The last fight me and my wife had was whether Tommy Boy was an Awesome Movie or Super Awesome Movie!!!!!

   how many people telling dominican jokes does it takes to change a bulb?

   IM SO BAD. I BROKE 3 LAWS LESS THAN 35 SECONDS. I RAN A RED LIGHT, I WAS GOING 60 IN A 45, AND I SAID THE F WORD. #THUG LIFE

   What do Gas prices and Charlie Sheen have in common? They both are winning.

   put a number on it by looking up the route on a fare-finding site….So it would've cost Will Smith about $8,356.96 to get from West Philly to Bel-Air!! Dang Uncle Phil was really loaded then!!!

   Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

   Does anyone else wonder why there are more male sword swallowers than female sword swallowers...

   wondering what part of "I can get your phone number off the bathroom wall if I wanted to call you" didn't she understand?

   "Archaeologists Discover First-Ever Gay Caveman." I'm calling it now: "Glee-anderthal: The Musical." That one's free, Hollywood.

   dear lady in the store yelling at your child, take a time out and comb the snakes in your hair, it is time for you to defeat the kraken

   Met my new gf, a spark came between us…..WOW those taser guns are well worth the money!

   Just got a letter from one of those traffic light cameras. No ticket; just a picture of me with the caption "Nice shirt, douche bag."

   I make a mean cup of coffee. This one just told me that it hopes I have a crappy day. :(

   A sunset is just a beautiful way of reminding you of all the stuff you didn't get done today.

   was at a house recently of some people I didn't like when life afforded me the opportunity to empty their bottle of sexual lubrication and replace it with hand sanitizer, On the bright side they should be 99.9% Germ free

   If I ever become president, everyone will recieve a pet unicorn and a midget sidekick.

   When I grow up I want to be a kid.

   I'm tired of being dissed by automated restroom paper towel dispensers.