Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead??

   Why do they always staff the slowest cashier at the express lanes at Walmart??

   wondering if I can count the voices in my head as dependents on my taxes.

   wonders if  regular squirrels get mad at their parents  when they see a flying squirrel?

   "That's what." -She

   So let me get this right, the government is going to shut down Friday at midnight, and our soldiers will not get paid. The idiots in congress will still get their money? Where is the sense in that?

   Damn the government is about to shut down, radio active water in the sea, and the real kicker no NFL.... Yep, Nostradamus is laughing somewhere

   If I buy a teddy bear for $5, name it Mohammed and sell it for $10, have I made of prophet?

   If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

   LADIES: If you don't know ur own worth and value...then do NOT expect someone else to calculate it for u.

   I don't know why everyone is so shocked about LeBron's mom, we all had those days when MOM seduces our best friend or gets arrested at 4 in the morning drunk and catching an assault charge for punching a valet at a hotel. What's the big deal?

   After seeing Iggy Pop perform on American Idol, Steven Tyler is probably thinking I'm going home and eating a sandwich.

   You know those little screens at the gas pumps? They should start showing porn, so I can watch someone else getting screwed at the pump.

   There was a two car pile up in mexico today...40 people died

   I hate being single. I'm not good at it.

   Maybe cupid should shoot himself with his own damn arrow then maybe he'd see how much love hurts

   A MAN WILL NOT RESPECT AWOMAN WHO DOES NOT RESPECT HERSELF OR HER BODY, IF YOU TRADE SEX FOR MATERIAL THINGS YOU ARE PROSTITUTING YOURSELF.

   Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout.

   May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who ruin my day...and may their arms be too short to scratch.

   My mum told me once that she judges how good a film is by the number of tissues she gets through....funny really, I have the same system