Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   attention: Helen Waite is now in charge of my schedule. if you need me to do anything just go to Helen Waite.

   the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil..

   Saw my Sri Lankan friends slurping tea out of a saucer this morning. When I asked why, they said because the Indians took the cup :D

   Travel Tip: Don't fly on Southwest, unless you like your airplanes with sunroofs........

   Obama re-election: Beyond 'Hope' and 'Change' ... Now its 'Poverty and Debt'........

   A Jehovah witness came to the door and said can I come in to the chat. So we sat down and I said what do you want to talk about to which he replied beat the heck out of me I have never gotten this far

   Boyfriend for sale... comes with remote.

   If the government would charge a 3% stupidity tax, they could pay off the national debt in no time..

   • the distance between any problem and the solution = the distance between your knees and the floor

   I am a leader not a follower so therefore I don't twitter.

   • There is nothing more pleasing than seeing a couple that are always posting sickly messages to each, finally break up on facebook.

   Part of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don't listen to her. She's drunk

   If Monday had a face, I'd punch it.

   If the government would charge a 3% stupidity tax on themselves alone, they could pay off the national debt in no time..

   popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $4. watchng ur frends bite into a caramel onion thinkin its an apple: priceless.

   The hardest part of letting go of someone you love... is the splat when they hit the ground.

   Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery

   WARNING!!!! New virus on FB! (ASTC-virus, AssStuckToChair). The virus glues you to your chair for several hours! No housework will be done, children will starve and the dog will not get its walk. You're likely to lose all contact to the outside world. Put

   I was just reading the bible and it came to my attention that is is the man's job to make the coffee in the morning... HeBrews

   For her birthday she told me to get her something she could use, She must not of liked the Summers Eve, I havent heard from her in days