Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, have a profile picture, write on walls, and get pocked my guys you don't really know.

   When I was at school I belonged to a gang called The Secret Seven and we were sworn to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other six were.

   My girlfriend told me how shaving her before sex could be quite a turn on and give for a much smoother experience. She was wrong though, I found her bald head more of a turn off.

   There's a fine line between OBLIVION and PLAIN STUPIDITY.

   dont forget to party like Rebecca black tomorow

   nt it strange how hot sexy women always drive cute little car? Which reminds me the m.o.t due on the wife's transit

   A keyring is a handy little gadget that let's you lose all your keys at once

   has realized there is no Popcorn in Popcorn Chicken. Guess there is no sense in trying the Hash Brown either then!

   If your relationship has more issues than a magazine stand then I suggest you cancel that subscription!

   A "Friends with benefits" in reality is telling you to your face that you're good enough to f*ck, but not good enough to invest feelings in!

   WHO'S GUILTY HERE?... A wife is dreaming, wakes up and shouts "Quick...my husband's home!" Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

   Success woke me up, Motivation made me Breakfast, Destiny gave me my Agenda and the Lord gave me his Blessings:-)

   It is scientifically proven that a woman can be satisfied with only 8.5cm..........And it doesn't matter if the card is Visa or MasterCard.

   I just love waking up in the middle of the night to realize I still have time to sleep before work

   I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.

   She was like the apple God warned Adam and Eve about

   At work, when you don't know what to do, just walk fast and look worried.

   Nuevo censo fuera dice que 1 de 6 estadounidenses son hispanos. Me parece un poco difícil de creer. Feliz el jueves todos!

   Today's Harry Houdini's 137th Birthday. Here's to you  Harry, and thank you for proving that (with great stage presence) we too can escape death while chained and shackled, upside-down in a shark tank, and while blindfolded.

   When someone says, “…please don't take this the wrong way, but…” Prepare to be judged by someone who wishes to judge you, but doesn't want to feel like an ass about it….