Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   happy green vomit day!

   I'm pretending to be hungover today, so nobody at work gets the wrong impression of me...the last thing I want to be labled is a responsible adult...

   my oven doesn't need a self-cleaning mode; my *bathroom* needs a self-cleaning mode.

   Why are there laws against texting while driving and drinking while driving... but not texting while drinking?

   Your Fat! and I'm not gonna sugar coat it cause you will eat that too!!!

   Saint Patrick was born in Britain under Roman rule. He was captured by Irish pirates and forced to be a slave.

   People please!! It's not the end of the world. It's just the beginning of a new, glowing, ticking kind of world..

   I found out I have CDO. It's like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order...like they should be

   Obama Nation sounds like Abomination coincidence hmmmmm……

   If youre cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?

   Happiness is'nt getting what you want, it is wanting what you've got

   imagine if you got all the way home from the grocery store and realized you left sumpthing in the cart? then you gotta go ALL the way back to get yur kid? ugg that really bite

   Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right

   As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass

   "Why is it that if a girl has sex with more than one guy she's a slut but if a guy has sex with more than one girl he's a legend?" The guy replies "If a lock can be opened by more than one key it's useless but if a key can open many locks its a master key

   Why don't women take off their shirts before a fight like guys do?

   I named my iPod 'Titanic' so when I enter it in iTunes it says 'Syncing Titanic' and I feel like a H E R O when I press 'Cancel'

   I would've hated to have been the guy that had to change the light bulbs on The Green Mile......."Really?? Again??"

   Did the Colonel really call President Obama his son?? Why am I not surprised.........

   In recognition and apprehension for our first day of Spring tomorrow, I say a BIG F.U. to Winter!