Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don`t let the sadness of your past, and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present...

   She was gone as fast as rum cake at an AA meeting!

   thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk... just like in cartoons.

   Would it kill the gas stations to put an extra 5 feet of rubber hose on the pumps so I dont have to look like a complete idiot whenever I pull up to the gas pump and my tank is on the wrong side

   my body is no longer my temple, it's more like a bar and grill.

   Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a bat.

   death is the leading cause of funerals in this country.

   My wife isn't speaking to me. All because I didn't open the car door for her. I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.

   feels sorry for the blind girl at the beach today... she doesnt know how ugly her boyfriend is...

   The reason why I don't speak to you anymore is because I keep telling myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would.

   I wonder if the first guy who used the pickup line “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you and I together” is the same guy who invented the qwerty keyboard...

   i'm a much more lively person when I'm sh*tfaced

   Alors On Danse.. :)

   Jesus take the wheel...I'm tired...and I want to finish that dream you had issues with....

   speedwalks everywhere, and is afraid of toilets…the two are not related...really...

   Jesus is the way, the truth and the life!

   will you be my 'open the door, take off my clothes, help me to bed, and scooch the trashcan close' ...friend?

   People are only as happy as they allow themselves to be.

   I'd give Natalie Portman the bone but she'd have to eat a few cheeseburgers first.

   Sometimes, I pretend my curling iron is a lightsaber.