Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I say, "I don't mean that in a bad way"... yeah, I probably do.

   A school in Kentucky is going to start teaching the Bible in the class room.....yea that's great...but I didn't know anyone in Kentucky knew how to read.

   I'll have a cheeseburger, minus the burger, cheese, bread, and add tequila

   A t.v. christian dating site commercial : Hey Christians, want to be in a meaningful relationship? ...whoa whoa whoa...arent they IN a MEANINGFUL relationship...with GOD?

   My grandma and your grandma were sitting by the fire, my grandma pushed your grandma right in the fire...that's just how she rolls.

   Real cases, real people, real emotional abuse....JUDGE JUDY

   man falls out of a deer stand and dies...and people say...he died doing what he loved to do....which was falling out of trees?

   If you really want to get to know someone, start arguing with them.

   If you're a cannibal does that make every fight a food fight?

   Actually has a dai off tomorrow? Wow, it's been so long I can't even remember how to spell it

   So when your sexting...do you get a phoner?

   The Royal Mail are releasing stamps of famous prostitutes. They cost 20p each but if you lick them it's 45p.

   I don't think I could ever be with a woman who is just like me. For one thing, she'd be way too big and hairy.

   thinks "going to the gym" should mean more than just walking there and then walking home.

   Hangover in progress.....please do not disturb. I think I have the >>wine flu this morning..............

   You'd be amazed how often I'm wrong when people say guess what.

   I guess it time to test my theory that Vodka (being alcohol) should kill the flu virus.......

   $60 to fill my gas tank last night. It's the apocalypse!!! I'm going to Walmart, buying me a water hose and I'm going on a siphon spree.........

   To file a complaint, click the x on tha top right corner of your screen!

   Been eating thin mints like crazy and haven't lost a pound