Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On my third cup of coffee and the day is looking real good. I think its going to be a great day. Did I mention its going to be a fantastic day.......

   Driving home late, uncomfortable, cold, music blaring: About to fall asleep. Finally home, comfortable, quiet, in bed: Wide awake and posting on facebook.

   If aliens learn about us from our TV broadcasts then they'll come here expecting 90% of the population to work in hospitals or be in law enforcement.

   Putting a loud muffler on your car is like putting a rolled up sock in your pants; You're trying to make something seem bigger than it really is.

   How am I supposed to be inpressed by a computer winning at Jeopardy when Google usually knows what I'm looking for after 2 letters?

   Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.

   Feb 22 - National Margarita Day. Why is this not also a Federal Holiday?

   Two guys walk into a bar ...... the third one ducked.

   "I ain't even trying to wave at you, I've got better things to do with my hands" oh bad girls club you never cease to entertain

   thinks Twitter spoils us... if only we could limit people in real life to 140 characters or less.

   If after sex, you have said, “you couldn't imagine me being someone else either eh?”….seek help….

   Finding out someone still used dial-up is like finding out they had a recent death in the family. "You gotta see this video.. you.. oh, god man, I'm sorry. I didn't know. Let me know if you need anything, ok?"

   if you break a sweat walking to the buffet, maybe you don't need another plate...

   1) Go to Google Translate 2) Type in “Will Justin Bieber ever hit puberty” 3) Translate: English to Vietnamese 4) Copy & paste the Vietnamese words back into translator 5) Translate: Vietnamese to English 6) Laugh Uncontrollably!!

   I often put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls.

   If you are ever wondering who is rapping in a song, just wait 4 more seconds and he'll say his name.

   Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet & rub up & down. Yep that's how you wash a cup...

   Facebook asks me what I'm thinking... Twitter asks what I'm doing... 4Square asks where I am. Conclusion: The internet is my girlfriend.

   Me: I'm really good at coming up with nicknames for people on the spot, mustache.

   I'm about to make like the FCC and get the *bleep* outta here.