Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I got one of those board games for couples to spice things up. It quickly turned into a game of Sorry, which led to me playing a game of Uno

   Burned almost a thousand calories with the treadmill today. Moved it into the basement, that sucker is heavy!

   One day you'll just be a memory. So make it a good one.

   Scientist have now cloned monkeys. Next on the Primate ladder before they reach humans- Politicians.

   I hate brushing teeth at night because that signifies that you can't have anymore food and I'm just never ready for that kind of commitment

   They call it a "selfie" because a "narcissitie" is too hard to pronounce

   Her: Just relax and be yourself. Me: No, you're going to have to pick one or the other.

   I may be delusional, but I am facing it realistically

   Insanity is not doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That's called practice.

   How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?

   If you find a snake skin somewhere, it means the snake shed it to grow bigger. Same principle if you find candy wrappers in my trash

   Do dogs in Mexico speak Espaniel?

   We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.

   Our dog just winked at me, and now I am trying to figure out what secret we are keeping from the rest of the family.

   A hacker has deleted Despacito from YouTube. The world is a slightly better place.

   I did 5 squats today so if you catch me looking a little thick tomorrow don't be alarmed

   When my son got his driver's license. He ask if I would get him something cheap to run around in. So I got him a pair of Keds sneakers.

   I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg, All I want for Christmas this year is fonts.

   You know you are getting old when you throw out your back but you don't know how it happened.