Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.

   It's always awkward when you scan your neighbors house and lock eyes with another set of binoculars.

   Music is much more enjoyable if you listen with your eyes shut. It is also more enjoyable if the people sitting near you would listen with their mouths shut

   It's better to be kissed by a fool than to be fooled by a kiss.

   I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.

   Women who say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history

   I want my tombstone to read; "I don't know where ya’ll gonna get your laughs now"

   remember the time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate?

   Let's proudly wave our American flags made in China this weekend.

   My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier. So I’ve got that going for me.

   I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

   The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of it is not men's fault.

   I just bought a JVC LCD 4K 3D UHD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock.

   As soon as someone makes a time machine I'm going back to when being fat & pale was a sign of nobility.

   Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...

   Me: sorry mom, called you by accident.. Mom: no worries, had you by accident.

   Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to...

   Looks like Bloomberg got stopped and frisked during the debate...

   Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

   New pickup line: hey why don't you come back to my place, I have toilet paper😉