Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space

   After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear. "Who was that?"

   It’s so cute when recipes only say 1/4 cup of cheese. Bless their hearts.

   I'd like to put out an Amber alert for common sense...

   My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”

   Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   Red flag laws sound great until you realize you’re labeled crazy for thinking 5-year-olds shouldn’t attend drag shows.

   Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

   Are the double maskers going to start yelling at the single maskers?

   Sociopath: The Sociopath will always accuse you of doing the very thing that they are Guilty of. They do this to deflect attention from themselves.

   how do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.

   Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.

   WOW! I can't believe the Guard who was guarding Jeffery Epstein was killed in an automobile accident - Tomorrow or Monday!

   I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”

   I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

   A small *ATM room* which is equipped with *2 ACs* and *4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment

   If I die, don’t let me vote for Biden.

   I hate when we go on a weekend trip and my wife forgets to pack her vagina.

   If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.

   Some fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." Others begin with "If elected, I promise..."