Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.

   Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

   It's March 4th. I like today's date because it's like I'm telling people what to do.

   1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375 GB in about 3 seconds... And you thought virgin broadband was fast.....

   I generally don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

   Why sure you can trust the Government. Just ask a Native American.

   if I see someone say "smh" in a status, I automatically assume you mean "scratching my herpes"

   What's the best way to casually ask your neighbor for his wifi password?

   worried that my latest Goodwill donation will result in homeless people looking like sluts from the 90s

   I hate when its dark and my brain is like "Hey you know what we haven't thought of in a while?" Monsters.

   If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.

   - I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips bring my groceries in.

   thinks cell phone companies need to stop pretending it's so great that you can "check Facebook right from your phone." For crying out loud people, this is 2011, I can update Facebook from my toaster!

   Shouln't the Monday after Easter Sunday be known as Egg Salad Monday?

   I remember when I was younger "Friday the 13th" used to make me think about Jason movies. Now all I can think about is "Do the bars have any specials today?"

   Wait?? The NSA's "Facial Recognition" software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending maching at work can't recognize a dollar with a bent corner?

   I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

   "Oh.... I can't wait tto see all the clever and funny Bitstrip cartoons my Facebook friends posted today!!!!" ~ Said no one, EVER!

   "Old Macdonald had a farm,,, Had."............ * Bank of America

   I don't mind country music... but there comes a point in time when listening to lyrics about cruising around in a pick-up truck can drive you insane