Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Future old age homes are gonna love the nipple rings . so handy to lift them up and change the sheets

   statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die

   Hey, just came over to extend a big warm welcome to nobody caresville...population: me

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.

   Should the phillies A) have mexican food night so at least someone at that stadium will get the "runs" or B) sign andy reid at least he knows what to do at the plate.

   Insanity doesn't RUN in my family. It just STROLLS around, taking it's sweet time....

   Thank God the American Elections are over. Now the rest of the world can go back to hating their own politicians.

   Just saw a guy getting mugged. I was going to help him out, but he was wearing Crocs.

   Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.

   Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken..

   When I die I want the Falcons to be my pallbearers so they can let me down one last time

   I've always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.

   There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.

   According to the United Nations' World Happiness Report, Norway is the happiest country in the world. They must not watch The Kardashians.

   My memory foam has amnesia

   How do dragons blow out candles on their birthday cake?

   There are more than 7 billion people on the planet. Can we finally stop calling it the miracle of birth?

   I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it's about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.

   I just received a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order, but still....