Funny Status Messages

   It is said that 1 in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I haven't yet figured out if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

   My brain just logged me out due to inactivity and now I can't remember my password. FML.

   Please take care. You could have Monkey Pox and not even realize it. You may be a-chimptomatic.

   Thought I'd cook for the wife last night. Got to the part where the recipe said "Now chill in fridge for 1 hour". I could only stand it for like 20 minutes - it was cold and really crowded in there....

   Dear Santa: For Christmas this year I want a fat bank account and a slim body with sexy abs, but let's not get it mixed up like you did last year.

   Dear Black Friday: We all have big screen tvs. Put those groceries on sale.

   Don't honk at me asshole, I'm not on my phone. I missed the light change because I was trying to get that last french fry at the bottom of the box. 🍟 😒

   Instead of a coffin, OJ will be buried in a white Ford Bronco, wearing black leather gloves.

   Why do Ziploc bags & trash bags come in a box? I guess the companies can't use bags

   Short, bald, overweight man with missing teeth and no money, tired of being ignored by women, seeks a lady who is not superficial, materialistic or judgmental. Must be hot.

   People identify as either Binary or Non-Binary. So even if they identify as Non-Binary, they are still binary.

   Before we work on artificial intelligence, why don't we do something about natural stupidity?

   Someone threw a jar of Mayonnaise at me! I was like, What the Hellman!?

   The FAA & NASA have approved a manned launch of Elon Musk's Starship within the next week provided it's manned by Donald Trump.

   Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore, steal covers or pass gas.. and I only pee if something startles me.

   tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room.

   Bricks are just domesticated rocks

   I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss. 😁

   "Enjoy the warm glow of family and friends this holiday season." ~ crematorium slogan.

   Hi. I'm God. I created an adversary named Satan. A big drama where I win anyway. Kinda like having the cheat codes to Mario 3.