Funny Status Messages

   You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

   It's beginning to feel a lot like, I'm gonna start wishing it was summer.

   It takes a very special idiot to drive the worlds largest economy off a cliff in 7 weeks

   I had to fire my fruit delivery driver. I felt bad for letting the mango but he was driving me bananas.

   The Sopranos would've been better without Carmela, Carmela's parents, Meadow, Meadow's friends and Jean Cusamano.

   Just got another text from my ex-wife saying "wish you were here" she does this every time she walks pass a cemetery

   Right and wrong are not for sure The castle made of sand will fall One thing is certain Heart and heart

   I was watching a TV Show about the Top Ten ways to avoid a shark attacking. I'm surprised "stay out of the water" wasn't one of them.

   Why do they keep interrupting the commercials with a football game

   Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that..

   Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout.... I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

   Will this raise the price on a Chinese massage parlor

   If Pope Francis reappears in 3 days, I don't know what to tell you.

   Come on be funny again

   CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT -My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

   Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

   If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

   Yeah, yeah. You're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, but they're my arms and legs and I can't leave them at home.

   It ain't the dems. It's dem niqqers.

   Okay, we got the message. The guy from 'Friends' died.