Funny Status Messages

   In every crowd there's that guy that used to work in an Inspirational Poster factory.

   Think outside the box and live in the moment.

   I saw an ad on a dating site called: Friends With Benefits. So I made a date, and it went well...right up to when I said, "Ok, I'll be your friend, now where's my health plan?" She got PO'd. Why? What's so bad about that?

   Never trust a girl on a Nutella jar.

   I'm going to sue all of the big media production houses in America. For years I have been keeping digital backups of all of their works and to date they have not paid me a single cent for my services rendered.

   He died by boldly going where no man has gone before by telling her that her shoes were ugly. R.I.P.

   Somewhere, right now, someone is getting something you wanted, but couldn't get, and they didn't try, or even want it.

   Why? I'm telling you why !! If you little brats will shut up for 2 secs I'll tell you why you better not pout or cry

   Unless you from another country... if you ask me for my "KIK" rather than my phone number - I'm going to assume you are a serial killer.

   "I got my cat fixed" "Is it a dog now?"

   I have an idea for a new movement. Call it “People Against People Against People.” Basically, we’d go around protesting anyone who is discriminating against someone else. Race, religion, political views, it doesn't matter. If you have protesters and

   I was able to earn so much money for my Walk-A-Thon that I was able to take Uber instead.

   Super-genius Stephen Hawking has warned we may NOT wanna be sending out signals to contact aliens as they may not be so kindly towards us. It makes me wonder...does world government already KNOW about aliens and the reason we have a huge overabundance of

   Make friends with your hormones. They're what make you colorful and unpredictable.

   damn wish I didnt take things to literally all the time went to friendly's and the waitress asked if I would like a happy ending

   dropped it like it's hot BUT before it even hit the ground....caught it like a cold...WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

   If companies embedded subliminal messages in the code for solitaire and angry birds, productivity would go through the roof.

   the weatherman is predicting some frosted flakes in the morning...he better mean breakfast

   You know it's gonna be a long day when you're at DD drive-thru, getting aggrevated that it's taking so long for some to take your order, only to realize that you're waiting in front of the trash barrel..

   Why do people reply to me in other languages? I don't know wtf you're saying. I only speak three languages: English, Parseltounge