Funny Status Messages

   Its a little frustrating how my speakerphone literally types everything I say exclamation mark

   my girlfriend thinks I am in capable of being faithful my wife on the other hand.

   Tweeting is not a valid defense, it's like having your getaway driver testify he never saw you rob the bank.

   The streets of my city are no longer safe. I do not wish to use kung fu, but I am afraid that there is no alternative.

   I'm covering my ears like a kid When your words mean nothing, I go la la la

   make america a vast wilderness again

   KARMARIFIC : My new word For when karma gets someone so sweetly ..It's Karmarific !

   ou do Waiters in the Restaurant always ask you as soon as you enter,"Would You Like a Table Sir?” … “No not at all, I came to the Restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”

   If your #PMSing wife hands you #lemons, you better zest them or make lemonade or she'll stab you & squeeze lemon juice into the open wound.

   I just got back from a cannibal Thanksgiving get together. ..... I had a ball.

   I'm finally opening my Christmas gifts. I have to hand it to my family, when you talk about recycling, they define the term. The boxes are old. I mean boxes with Christmas Seals on them from 1957 and held t

   Now we'll never know how to get to Sesame Street!

   Whenever Kids Says Mummy I Love, Just Say Start Talking Because They Need Something

   I love to change the world but I don't know what to do, so I leave it up to you to wear a mask. Ten Years After,

   Teacher: "Billy give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat, and detail in it." Bily: "When a horse jumps defence, defeat go first then detail.

   There's definitely a psychosis attached to being overweight. All f@t chicks are weird.

   My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

   I'm not an alcoholic I'm just always down to drink. Huge difference 😭

   bert: I want a divorce wife: are u… bert: don’t wife: *holding in laughter* are you sherbert?

   Years ago, I was all set to marry the man of my dreams. On the day we were supposed to elope, he didn’t show up. It took me a year or two to accept he didn’t marry me because he didn’t know I existed, I was 13 and he was Sam Elliot ;-)