Funny Status Messages

   Balls - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

   My girlfriend said she wants our relationship to be like a fairy-tale. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.

   OMG the internet is broken. I just searched for pictures of bare naked ladies and all I found was a bunch of pictures of old fat guys.

   It looks like Turkey did take Trump's economy threat seriously. Gee, what a surprise.

   🎵I'm dreaming of a White Castle Just like the ones that we all know Where the square buns glisten and I am wishin' That there's no chunks I'll have to blow 🎵

   If a prostitute gets pregnant from a client, can she call the National Accident Helpline?

   I married my wife for her good looks but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

   When you get to be my age, older women interested in younger men are no longer classified as Cougars. Especially in my case. They're more like Laughing Hyenas.

   The After Christmas Diet: Breakfast: Leftover lasagna Lunch: Leftover lasagna Dinner: Leftover lasagna Dessert: Leftover lasagna Beverage: Fresh squeezed leftover lasagna

   There was a break-in at the local Apple Store. Police are looking for iWitnesses.

   I notice that mitch mcconnell sounds like James Cagney when he played a gangster in the movies ?

   We were so poor, that when I was a baby I instead of wearing diapers, my parents paper trained me.

   Whatever God was smoking when he invented the platypus, I want some.

   Throw a drink at Tomi Lahren? In this economy?

   . There's a book on The Cures for aches and pains by Dr. Artur Ritis

   if the "space force" ever drops a dirty bomb on Uranus, they better call it "operation taco bell"

   I wanna date a lady who has been through the worst,who has been lied to,cheated on,heart broken So that I can finish her off. 😒

   If you fart and it doesn't stink, should you be concern?

   You can trust fat people. We don't do crimes it's too much work. We just want to eat and watch the food network.

   Toilet: For the sh*t that comes out of your a$$ facebook/Twitter: For the sh*t that comes out of your brain