Funny Status Messages

   2000: I don’t want no scrubs 2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

   Think I need to take a break from Facebook as although it's been great being able to keep in contact with you all and I'll miss you I have to go inside to let my phone charge for about an hour.

   Seems like the pajama market on eBay is starting to get price gouged.

   I really hate when people constantly need reassurance. You know what I mean?

   ESPN is going to fast track its documentary glorifying Michael Jordan. I'll bet that'll be really good!

   I need this find a stay-at-home job. Hey Facebook you hiring?

   You know, with my cats seeming enjoyment for cleaning themselves I’m not sure why they don’t have a cat food called Kibbles & Butts

   The salons have been closed for so long nobody is posting selfies anymore. They're all posting avatars.

   The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio. Surprising, because we live in

   The proverbial saying 'Rome wasn't built in a day' suggests that a complex task or great achievement that shouldn't be rushed and is a great excuse for procrastinating.

   To help curve the Coronavirus I've only hung out with three of my Facebook friends all year, just like last year.

   I often wonder what would have been had John Lennon decided to stay home that night.

   Can't wait to watch The Walking Dead tonight...otherwise known as the most anticipated commercial break event of the year

   You know a restaurant must be serving bad food when you see a mouse throwing up in the restroom.

   Gave my boss a mother's day card. Because "he" is one of the top ten mothers on my list.

   I don't know what I ever signed up for facebook, I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!

   I am not who you think I am. YOU, are who you think I am.

   One day many years ago there was a man who didn't drink any beer. But it was many years ago and it was only for that one day...

   him: you’re not like other girls me, at the urinal next to him: how

   First rule of Dad Club is hey are you paying attention here, you need to know how to change a tire, hand me a wrench not that one the other one.