Funny Status Messages

   Be England what she will,with all her faults she's my country still. Remember that you are an Englishman, and have consequently won first prize in the lottery of life. HAPPY ST GEORGE's DAY

   You know you're ugly when the plastic surgeon wants to add a tail

   Today My doctor was checking my Balls for lumps but the Doctor said I crossed the line and it was very awkward when I ran my fingers through her hair... Again how is it that I crossed the line and she didnt???

   I don't care how nice my neighbors are, I still wanna put their garden hose in their bedroom window and turn it on around 3 am.......

   Why is "All Together" written separately, but "Separately" is written all together?

   "im a good girl" -bad girls

   If you don't listen to songs you loved in high school while you're drunk & cry as you text your HS gym teacher, than neither do I.

   just read where Ashton Kutcher is divorcing from his grandmother, how will I ever sleep a sound sleep tonight?

   Happy endings only ever exist if you find a good masseuse. Other than that they are nothing but a fairytale!

   Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

   I never make the same mistake twice. Except for that time in Thailand. But in my defence they had really small atoms apples.

   A relationship with no trust is like a cell phone with no service. You can only play games.

   Looking into one of those non attorney spokesman gigs.

   "Eww, I'm so ugly." Like oops I think you spelt "I want attention" wrong. Confidence is key ladies.

   What superpower would I want? The ability to know if the bite of food is rotten or moldy BEFORE I stick in my mouth and chew!

   I just bought Monopoly, 2011 special edition. It's really not fun to play. The banker always wins.

   GOP budget to slash disease research? Now we'll NEVER find a cure for Bieber Fever!

   I am dreaming to became rich...just like my father..."is your father rich?" ...no! he is dreaming too

   Good news is,, I got the giraffe to fit in the catapult.. Now who wants to light it on fire?

   I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates, but I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates.