Funny Status Messages
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I guess I shouldn't use Comet® to wash my car. I've been working on it for an hour and I've just begun to scratch the surface. 
Wife nudged me awake "I can hear noises downstairs" so said "so what, I can hear noises downstairs or upstairs"
You know that game where your hands made a church and steeple, and you opened it up to see the people? Why the hell didn't it bother anyone that the people were all being hung from the rafters like a mass suicide?
Last night on the TV I saw a blurry dark image of an old fat man holding his willie. Then I realised the TV was turn off.
My fat friend has been hangging out at the gym. I told him that he needs to get some bigger shorts.
7-11 cashier: that will be $5.87. Me: ok 7-11 cashier: would you like a bag? Me: You got something good???
Why does the speaker of the house have a spoke person ?
I told my kids the Easter bunny is lazy...He didn't even cook or color the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge
It's a bad day to be a witch.
When we were kids my sister played with dolls and I played with soldiers. Now it's the other way round.
I participated in the downfall of America, and all I got was this lousy sticker?
About 500 thousand astrologers in India and none of them predicted that the notes will be changed
Shut the F**k up, eat your turkey and just be thankful!
This milk tastes like gorgonzola cheese. The sell by date is 12/29. Never mind. 12/29/15.
my new years resolution is 1680 x 1050
The key to a good night's sleep is to stay up late and get almost no sleep, then the next night after that you'll get a good night's sleep.
The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .
You're like the Tampax string hanging out of people.
Taylor Swift reportedly has already dated, broken up with and written a crappy song about Tom Hiddleston.
Paul Ryan prefers sit-ups, not sit-ins. Now now Democrats, I'm in my zone. 