Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it that often.

   The more “normal” you try to be, the less interesting people like myself will find you.

   Every Christmas for the last 15 years, I've been too drunk to remember the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, enough is enough. It's time to get my act together. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.

   Some people's morning breath is an effective form of birth control.

   I don't know if this guy standing next to me is drunk or just a doofus, but be has his phone against his ear and it's on speaker!

   There are two types of people I hate in this world: Nosey people AND people who won't tell me what the hell is going on in their lives.

   And in other news, Joe Biden claims that 150 million people have died from gun violence in the U.S. since 2007. I suppose that might explain the low unemployment numbers right now.

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around calked Unused Sick Days. Apparently it's very contagious.

   Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."

   Homeless people have been known to step outside the box.

   Too much of my life is spent trying to think of something to write on people's FB walls for their birthday other than "Happy Birthday!"

   Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?

   I come from a long line of successful people. I decided to stop that tradition.

   " I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!

   I'm thankful for the people who have the make of their car across their windshield, I've always wondered who made your '97 Civic

   People think I'm uncoordinated until they see me get out of a hammock and then they know "uncoordinated" isn't a strong enough word.

   It's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory. Why didn't I think of that?

   The only contribution some people make to society is carbon dioxide.

   No one has ever complimented me on my mountain fresh scent. Either people are jerks or this body wash is bullsh*t.