Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The way things are going in Washington, it probably won't be long until you'll have to get a permit just to shoot the breeze.

   Alphabet soup is just soup when you can't read

   Its not you, it's how you don't make me sandwiches.

   Some of my best relationships have been the ones I didn’t understand.

   my date last night had something between her boobs I never expected to see there - her belly button

   Facebook is the most confusing dating site I have ever been on.

   LIKE if you’ve already broke one of your New Year’s Resolutions.

   Yoga pants make things hard on me.

   Just demolished another box of macaroni and cheese buy trying to "Push here to open".

   You haven't seen rage until you've witnessed a woman rip another woman's wig off.

   If we'd had texting 20 years ago, me and my buddies conversations would be pretty much the same as today...

   Just when I think I'm done being a fool, I see something else super shiny and stupid to do.

   Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.

   In the shower: 2% washing, 8% singing, 90% winning fake arguments.

   Admit it, you don't call Gatorade by it's flavors, you call it by it's colors.

   Ever accidently throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it? Haha. I did this with my life.

   Customer Service: Upgrading your service? I can help you with that right away. Cancelling service? Let me transfer you to the department with a 70 minute wait time.

   I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I'm basically a golden retriever.

   I'm just going to put an "Out Of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

   People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.