Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 324 of 6385
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather but there are no cows.
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09-24-2017 08:30
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Sure I will read Hugh Hefner's obituary. But only for the articles.
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09-28-2017 16:05
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I have a coffee table in my house. It's decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days gang up on me all at once.
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10-16-2017 09:45
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If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they'll fill your antidepressants faster.
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11-05-2016 14:59
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Hey ... If you want to stop all of these Protests and Riots .... Just start playing the National Anthem .... They will all either sit down or take a knee.
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11-11-2016 19:17
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It is just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
I'll see your passive aggressive status and I'll raise you...one finger.
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12-15-2016 08:17
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Whoever determined that a 1 inch size candy bar should be called "fun sized" need to reevaluate their entertainment expectations
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01-18-2017 21:06 by Mister E
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Pay no attention to anything I say when I'm drunk..or sober..or any other time.
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01-28-2017 10:12
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It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries.
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03-28-2017 09:32
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If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to my birth weight.
The bright side of a zombie apocalypse is you no longer have to keep up with the Kardashians.
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04-17-2018 13:20
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I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron !
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05-07-2018 16:52
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Every time the doorbell rings my dog will go and sit in a corner........ He' a boxer.
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05-09-2018 05:37 by Jake
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If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
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06-03-2018 11:35
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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
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06-14-2018 18:14 by Jake
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The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
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06-22-2018 11:07
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Why isn't anyone at this beach lowering their sunglasses to check me out?
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07-08-2018 10:11
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If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
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07-10-2018 10:15
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