Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always keep pepper spray on me in case someone attacks or tries to make small talk.

   Before I get into shape, does anyone like me chubby?

   No matter how hard you work, your boss will always arrive while you are taking a break.

   Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.

   The symbol & looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor.

   What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done? Me: Awfully bold of you to assume I’ve peaked.

   If it involves fireworks, BBQ, and freedom, count me in. Have a Yankee Doodle day.

   You’re living proof that it’s possible to live without a brain.

   The man who smiles when things go wrong, has thought of someone to blame it on.

   You’re lying if you say you’ve never let a game controller vibrate on your crotch.

   We’re churning out a generation of poorly educated people with no skill, no ambition, no guidance, and no realistic expectations of what it means to go to work.

   Who let: da dog out

   Comedy died out a few years back because too many people were being offended by it.

   If you’re feeling bad about how little you have achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.

   Daylight savings time? Only an idiot would cut two inches off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom and believe he now has a longer blanket.

   Whoever said, “you can’t make this stuff up”; obviously never worked for corporate media.

   If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Happiness comes from food, not relationships.

   Playing truth of dare and they dare you to go home.

   I’m sorry that your terrible behavior caused me to act out of character. You should work on that.

   If we get invaded by space aliens, I’m immediately defecting to the alien side, sorry.