Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 243 of 6384
I think if my rich neighbor realized just how awesome of a party he is going to have at his house tonight, he wouldn't leave for vacation.
It's annoying when you think of an awesome idea or thing to do and within the next few minutes, you completely forget what it was, but the memory of how awesome it was still lingers.
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10-12-2011 17:31 by g0re
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If these walls could talk, I'd probably stop hanging things with nails.
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05-19-2012 07:21 by flinnie
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I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
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03-12-2012 15:04 by K-Mac
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Ladies, the knight with the shiniest armour has done the least amount of brave or cool sh*t.
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06-18-2012 20:34
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I think there are more pictures of cats in my news feed than people
I would like to congratulate myself on placing 18,476th in the "Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest!" ツ
I wish James J. Lee had watched CNN News instead of the Discovery channel.
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09-01-2010 18:54 by Billy
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If I come into work really early, each time I say "Hi" to whoever is there all I'm really doing is gathering witnesses to justify my early departure.
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09-03-2010 06:36
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In college I was the Brett Favre of retiring from drinking.
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09-11-2010 19:32
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I wasn't going to let my son sign up for soccer, then I remembered something very important... "Soccer Mom's".
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10-01-2010 19:40
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Wyclef Jean is running for President of Haiti. He should pledge to make Lauryn Hill his Secretary of Miseducation.
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08-20-2010 15:53 by jdpower
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so happy it's finally Hump Day! Oh, and I'm pretty excited it's Wednesday too.
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04-21-2010 09:45 by christy
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Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window
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04-28-2010 22:29 by Joser
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Happy 35th, Atari 2600
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10-14-2012 20:15 by Wulfie69
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Dear Tequila: We had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, smarter and a better dancer. But I saw the video. And I think we need to talk...
I don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.
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05-10-2011 00:18 by zd
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My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."
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05-26-2011 18:44 by Aaron
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That's Crazy = The perfect response when you haven't been listening.
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10-24-2010 15:29
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You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."