Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   My new pet peeve...commercials where people brush their teeth without making a mess. When my kids brush their teeth they look like they have minty fresh rabies.

   You think it’s hard to train dogs? We can’t even get people to sit and stay

   Let's be real, most people who signed up for Facebook didn't have a social life to begin with so staying at home should be easy.

   When quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.When quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.

   I am constantly putting things where they don't belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   My biggest pet peeve is that people expect me to remember their pet peeves. Please don't forget that!

   Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.

   No matter how low I lower the bar of expectation, some people manage to roll right under it.

   I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. I don't have time for those meetings.

   Wouldn't it be awesome if the snow relief package people threw rolls of paper towels at us?

   I want a version of Baywatch with only fat people in it.

   People who say "This is the final straw!" You know you can always go to McDonald's and steal some more right?

   It's funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.

   if prison is "behind bars" , why don't people cal l the warden the "bar tender" ?

   I'll bet people with Tourette's make awful anatomy teachers!!

   People say, “All the good ones are taken.” Which is absolutely true. I’m single.

   Being spontaneous would be a lot easier if people would just give me a couple of days notice first.

   I would probably buy the iPhone5 if it kept me from drunk dialing my exes.

   Ok soo Wal-Mart is full of people buying beer and chips it looks like Bin Laden "Death" will be a national celebration! wooohoo can I hear the Fire Works?

   People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.