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If zombies eat the living and vultures eat the dead, what do zombie vultures eat and what do you mean this isn't an emergency, 911 operator?
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02-11-2018 01:22
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When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.
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02-14-2018 19:20 by
Jake
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My food pyramid is currently in its cubist phase
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02-26-2018 14:12
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Whose bright idea was it to allow spiders, snakes and mosquitos on the ark? I want names.
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02-28-2018 13:08
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I can't really afford Essential Oils so let's see what we have in the pantry.
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03-08-2018 22:37
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You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar
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03-10-2018 04:27
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friend: you coming to the party tonight me: no i've got plans narrator: he had no plans
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03-13-2018 02:27
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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
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03-24-2018 09:21
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I don't care what you say about Zombies. Zombies love you for your brain, not your beauty.
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03-30-2018 14:22
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So do people who are observing their fasts for whatever reason put pics of empty plates on Instagram?
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04-09-2018 04:54
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Relationship status: Maybe it’s time I learn to crochet
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04-12-2018 00:15
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Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?
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10-09-2019 06:21
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I don't know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
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10-10-2019 06:11
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Lady stabbed a guy singing Christmas Songs at the Mall. I bailed her out.
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10-12-2019 12:41
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Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
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10-15-2019 04:11
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It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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10-17-2019 17:04
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My sister used to date a guy who played professional hockey in Calgary. He's an old Flame.
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10-20-2019 15:13
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My math teacher called me average. How mean!
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10-20-2019 15:15
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Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them? Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
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10-23-2019 04:38
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[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must... fit in.. with... other ghosts
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10-23-2019 04:39
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