Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just call it "Sleepy Peepee?"

   I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds, but then I got a Facebook Account and now I'm over it.

   Facebook needs a "I'll Drink To That" button.

   Bat : $300. Killer Sunglasses: $200. Batting Gloves: $30. Getting called out on strikes in slow pitch softball: PRICELESS.

   Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

   I refuse to accept your labels like "immature" & "irresponsible" & "don't drink while taking this medication".

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.

   The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.

   Claiming a product promotes "Weight Loss" when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming that it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.

   I carry a kazoo in my fanny pack in case anyone initiates small talk.

   love is out there, kinda like the zodiac killer is still out there too, so good luck.

   I remember once upon a time I was a beloved son, now I’m just an internet troll.

   Sorry I freaked you out by paying attention. I keep forgetting that people don't do that anymore.

   Do condoms come in 'fun size' wrappers?

   Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot

   Funniest joke in Infinity War was Thor revealing his fluency in "I am Groot" because it was an elective course in Asgardian schools

   I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.

   I've watched so much Shark Tank that now I decline by saying "And for that reason, I'm out."

   "Give me fuel, give me fire, give me the nap that I desire!" - realistic Metallica