Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 179 of 6384
Hypocrisy seldom gets the contempt that it deserves
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08-01-2020 20:44 by Lonnie
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I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
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09-28-2020 09:34
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Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
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10-13-2020 08:48
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Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday.
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02-03-2021 08:10
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I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got !"
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03-28-2010 02:23
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I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
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05-10-2016 22:05
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Late Night Ponderings: I always wonder what the nurses reaction would be like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
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05-28-2016 01:04
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Don't worry about buying happiness. Try renting or leasing it to see if it's what you really want.
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03-17-2013 17:08
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I'm terrified when I hear something was made with "secret sauce."
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10-03-2011 17:37
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Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
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07-31-2020 08:47
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Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
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09-02-2020 12:51
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Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
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09-16-2020 11:49
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This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
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09-22-2020 08:13
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Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
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09-28-2020 09:33
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DID YOU KNOW: Mrs. Doubtfire was originally titled: Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dad.
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10-06-2020 08:54
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I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
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10-13-2020 14:38
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Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
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10-14-2020 09:27
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If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
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10-14-2020 09:29
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Some dance to remember, some dance to forget, some dance because the swamp witch’s curse compels them to, and you can usually pick those ones out right away
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10-14-2020 11:01
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October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
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10-21-2020 06:17
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