Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What you need to ask yourself is… Do you really like pancakes and waffles? Or are they just a syrup delivery vehicle?

   two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer

   A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

   my mom's house is like the one in Home Alone except all the booby traps are emotional

   My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

   I watched about five minutes of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter on Netflix. That may be the worst thing that has happened to Abraham Lincoln in a theater

   I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees. [Unfortunately,she was just coming home]

   My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

   I grew up in a neighborhood so poor, we all shared the same timepiece . . . or as we liked to call it, the 'neighborhood watch'!

   The bravest man in the world is the prince from Sleeping Beauty because waking up a tired woman can go sideways very fast.

   The pollen is so bad this year that the folks in the trailer parks are cooking their crystal meth back into Sudafed.

   When I was a kid I thought earwigs were bugs that came out of your ears. So you can imagine what I thought when I heard about co*kroaches

   This inkblot looks exactly like a hen-pecked husband who has no idea how to pay all of this month's bills

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

   I paused “Crazy Train” during the guitar solo to listen to you, so don’t tell me I’m not taking this relationship seriously!

   A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.

   After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast

   Ted Cruz beats Jim Kimmel (11-9) in Blobfish basketball classic game