Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I'm driving, and someone lets me go in front of them, I always feel the need to go as fast as possible, so they don't regret their decision. I won't let you down, Mr. Mercedes Man, I won't let you down.

   Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent and well-behaved that they only look at the 10% that is covered.

   Raise your hand if you would add your boss as a Facebook friend. Now with the other hand slap yourself in the face.

   Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.

   Quentinen and Tarantined by Writtin Directino

   Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas?

   I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwords?

   My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...

   Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock...

   I love the taste of water, especially frozen into cubes and completely surrounded by vodka.

   I wonder if this guy in line in front of me would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

   Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better

   We live in a generation of weak people. Everything has to be watered down because it's offensive, including the truth.

   Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

   I don't like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night...

   The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions

   Accidentally wore a red shirt & khaki pants to Target today &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

   KFC is planning to bring back Colonel Sanders. Because if there's one thing that will bring Americans together today, it's an old guy dressed like a plantation owner....

   I remember a time when I was overly optimistic about the great things that were to come in the new year. Well...here's to not stepping in dog siht while checking the mail in 2016.

   realized that I'm getting old. 20 years ago all of my friends were on drugs. Now they're all on medication...