Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there is a room in hell where they play an endless loop of every time you told someone you loved them and they didn't say it back

   I just finished reading “50 shades of Grey” by Sherwin Williams. I don’t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.

   Omg! I just hit a woman on my bike. Just kidding.. I don't ride in the kitchen!

   Weird how 2X and 4X power dishwasher pods are the same price, like there's a market for people who only want minimal dishwashing power.

   I'm assuming lube is for people who can't spit.

   OMG.... I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   Next time you visit someone with Alexa. "Alexa set 3am alarm with horror movie sounds."

   St Peter: "so..how did you die?" Me: "I was sat on a beanbag and the house caught fire"

   Did I miss the grammys again! darn that makes like 10 years in a row.

   I put my fitbit on the refrigerator handle. Amazing, my daily activity has increased 10 fold....that's the ticket....

   Life lesson 249: A short temper is not a sign of strength.

   Some people would rather stay ignorant and self-satisfied.

   I just bought a crappy car that was made in Prague. The Czech engine light keeps coming on.

   My Wife just told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don't shine. So I just booked a $553 flight to Seattle. Women make no sense some days.

   You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday...and you’re 32.

   Ladies, please remove your Apple Watch if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a Spy Kid.

   Never hire an elecetrician with fuzzy hair

   They pudding Bill Cosby in prison

   I've been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn't cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.

   Space Force: Make the galaxy great again.