Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think Wal-Mart should start a new Express Checkout lane for shoppers with more than 12 teeth

   My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.

   A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.

   I injured my privets in a surfing accident. I slam my laptop closed when my wife walked into the room.

   I think I lost an hour reading all the tweets about how people lost an hour this weekend

   Somebody needs to invent a Keurig but for fudge brownies

   Funny how the NBA players and coaches are quick to criticize the Prez but won't say anything negative about a Communist country that imprisons those who speak out...

   Last night, I watched a documentary on marijuana. Let me say this... if you're gonna watch a documentary, that's the best way to do it.

   I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.

   I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village's water. Didn't go down well.

   FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you'll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow

   I'm awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time...

   Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

   Dude just told me that he's washing his hands more because of that "Coca-Cola virus."

   25 days on lock down and I feel lazier than the guy who created the Japanese flag

   I’ll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day! Almost on Monday Almost on Tuesday Almost on Wednesday Almost on Thursday Almost on Friday Almost on Saturday Almost on Sunday.!

   Lots of mothers are gonna be surprised when their Mother's Day gift is a barrel of oil

   I spend most of my time resenting people who never had to use a typewriter.

   Ninety percent of being a dog is not realizing your own tail is your own tail.

   I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.