Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ready to earn money staring at my screen all day so I can afford to go home & stare at my screen all night, repeating the process unto death

   I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.

   It hurts when someone you love says mean things to you like, "It's time to wake up and go to work."

   I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..

   Dog 911: hello Dog: I accidentally ate the trash Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry Dog: but I'm not sorry Dog 911: I said pretend

   Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

   Why would you be scared to get measles? You haven't left your couch since 2011.

   a silent morning and a silent afternoon wouldn't be so bad either

   Who called it Star Trek III - The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

   If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

   I'm taking stuff to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for 6 months.

   *gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*

   My daughter's school is selling apples for their band. If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I'll go to Whole Foods.

   Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants? Me: Trying to summon my period.

   Under further investigation, we discovered that crime does indeed pay.

   Career, dreams, meaningful relationships. Pick any two.

   Until this recent Facebook trend I would have never guessed how many people were behind me in line with a gun under their shirt..

   Set the tone for the day by getting out of bed and stumbling directly into a wall.

   If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it!

   The only time I've ever on time to anything is when I'm dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.