Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

   Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.

   ME: It's quite interesting really. You see, "gym" comes from the greek "gymnós" meaning "naked" YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you're going to need to put on some pants

   The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life. Wait, no, that's just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

   I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don't care about taking off my shoes at the airport

   Cowboy: This town ain't big enough for the both of us ME: I'll be staying indoors almost all the time Cowboy: ok cool

   After much thought and consideration I've decided not to host the Oscars this year.

   Scar didn't murder Mufasa. It's a cat's natural instinct to knock things off ledges

   A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

   Experts at this week's world economic forum that said in the future, cell phones will likely be tiny computer chips implanted in our brains. Great, now I have to worry about leaving my brain in the couch.

   Numbers 1 through 5 on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to take a nap.

   I'm like a semicolon; most people don't know what to do with me.

   Optimism is a gross abuse of the imagination.

   Katherine Johnson was a badass mathematician until the very end. She waited until turning 101 so she can die on her “Prime”

   A sure sign of a bureaucracy is when the first person who answers the phone can't help you.

   I hope everyone who bought 27 bottles of disinfectant realized that we all need to wipe our hands for them to be protected.

   I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

   The world changed in 1 month 4rm Feb 14 : "Will you be my valentine?" to Mar 14 : "Will you be my quarantine?

   A man and a woman can go 21 days on Naked and Afraid with no toilet paper and you sissys can't go one day without 20 rolls.

   My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.