Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are friends, there is family and then there are friends that become family.

   Just because you LIKED my awesome status does not mean I have to LIKE the picture of your food...

   I'm not a perverted stalker, I just want to get to know your better without you knowing.

   There's a few people that I wouldn't mind haveing installed on my driveway as speed bumps..

   poking things that confuse me with a stick.

   Now if only they could find Waldo....

   Today is 'National Ex-Spouse Day'. No, seriously - it is. Because you needed a day to remember somone you'd rather forget.

   I passed a heart stress test today when I noticed a spider crawling up my shoulder.

   Crib instructions should come with a warning that you may end up divorced before assembly is complete.

   ..... Well, that didn't solve anything .... Guess I'll just go out and get hammered.

   Fact: If you ask a stay at home Mom how they're doing they won't stop talking for 3.5 days.

   Just bought Gawker for a roll of breath mints and two old copies of National Enquirer.

   Me: Wanna put on our capes and our undies over our pants and go stand on top of a building?

   When I first met you, I got this tingling sensation. Then I realized my phone was on vibrate...

   Them: do something every day that scares you Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders Me: *just screaming

   I'm just playing devils avocado here

   When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.

   "I just called to say I love you." -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

   Is the expression "One man's trash is another man's treasure?" I want this best man's speech to be perfect.

   "I'm really good in bed" -Ice cream