Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 141 of 6384
I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 9:00 AM on a Saturday.
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08-26-2019 14:26
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Accidentally used the dog's shampoo today, and I'm feeling like such a good girl.
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08-27-2019 04:21
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Don't waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
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08-27-2019 04:22
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My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
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09-05-2019 06:15
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Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
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09-06-2019 12:27
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I remember when social networking was something that happened in person. How awkward.
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09-24-2019 15:21
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My friend just accused me of cheating in poker, I think he is just mad I won with 6 king
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09-25-2019 22:16 by Luka
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There's 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
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09-26-2019 15:27
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So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.
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10-02-2019 06:03
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Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
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10-05-2019 17:45
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Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
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10-06-2019 17:21
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The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
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10-08-2019 05:34
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We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.
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08-30-2017 00:08
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Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.
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09-09-2017 10:05 by Sabrina
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I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!
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09-15-2017 15:18
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I'll never force my child into religion. When the right time comes, I'll explain to him/her the differences, and then he/she can choose between Star Trek and Star Wars.
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08-03-2016 15:22
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Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.
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10-22-2016 10:59
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Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this flute solo for the next 90 minutes
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03-26-2017 19:33 by Me E
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I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
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12-30-2011 08:54 by flinnie
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Ok, let's be honest. I hate shopping for bras. You would think with the growing population of aging baby boomers, they would have more of a selection in 36 long.
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12-23-2016 20:18 by Mo
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