Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job? ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

   Just about all husbands lie on their tax returns by listing them self as head of household.

   A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn't know it was even possible to be this jealous.

   All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

   *Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat* Join your brothers and sisters sweet child

   This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I've ever paid for.

   Scoopable cat litter makes me feel like the worst miner ever..

   Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

   About to pull these steaks off the grill. It's my neighbor's grill, but he went inside and I don't think he can see me...

   90 percent of being married is shouting, "WHAT" from other rooms.

   In Scotland, it's illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. I just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down.

   My wife is reading all the 's' word in the dictionary. I think she's up to something.

   I don't get why people pay $600 or more a month in child support. According to the Sally Struthers, you can feed a kid for 35 cents a day.

   I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.

   I saw those Italy videos of people singing in Italy so I started singing to my neighbor and one lady told me to shut the *&^% up

   Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

   The Gov. didn't have to issue me a stay at home order, my wife did that years ago.

   The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

   I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer

   My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.