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A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
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05-19-2018 08:13
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Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.
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05-20-2018 12:50
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You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.
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05-26-2018 14:56 by
Jake
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I like you, but not see you every damn day like you.
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05-29-2018 12:35
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I've never gotten in or out of a hammock with my dignity intact.
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05-29-2018 12:49
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Going to Starbucks right now,anybody need anything?
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05-29-2018 18:45
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I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"
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06-06-2018 00:38
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I hate it when I click on a porn video and I can see myself in the screen while it's loading?
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06-19-2018 07:46 by
Truman
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The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.
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07-13-2018 01:37
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Life Lesson: The ONLY person that can pledge 100% loyalty to you is YOURSELF.
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07-20-2018 14:47
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I don't "get even" or hold a grudge anymore, I take naps
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08-20-2018 15:48
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Leaving your window open for an hour in the summertime and then the cast from f*@k!?g bug's Life start producing their second film!!
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08-23-2018 18:27 by
Stevielea
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Don't hit people with glasses. Use your fists.
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09-10-2018 06:54
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I felt naughty asking for my latte to be extra frothy
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09-14-2018 00:59
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I'm not the sort of person who is in a position to cast the first stone, but I sure as hell will cast the second one.
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09-23-2018 18:04
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There's a big difference between a wise guy and a wise man...
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09-23-2018 23:13
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My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.
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10-21-2018 06:44
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Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
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12-19-2019 05:40
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How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?
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10-23-2019 04:43
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Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
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12-11-2019 13:25
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