Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   had a dream that this woman was trying to kill me with a butcher knife...which makes me think the woman of my dreams is not someone I should be looking for.

   If I had a nickel for everytime someone asked if I was bad at math, I'd have 62 cents.

   shocked that Facebook is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people.

   im a fan of the tube top, but even tires have pressure limits....

   Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

   If anyone sees a bunch of people in their front yard tonight, don't be alarmed, were just christmas tree shopping.

   you have more problems than a math book.

   bad in all the good ways.

   I asked Mom if I was a gifted child… she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

   wondering if he's the only one who hears the theme to Get Smart when he walks down long hallways.

   Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

   I will consider running a half-marathon the first time I see someone smiling while doing it.

   An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

   It's damn funny when a wife think's she's punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..

   Egypt Power and Light reports all 10 customers without power...

   Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.

   It's the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you're hit by a Smart car.

   Sorry I unliked your pic. My girlfriend ordered me to do it or I sleep on the couch tonight.

   I formally apologize to anyone who knew me way back when I was a teenager.

   jUSTIN BIEBER..........Really, 60 miles an hour? But to be fair, Bieber was in Florida. Anything over 20 miles an hour is considered drag racing.