Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 135 of 6384
100th episode of undercover boss is on and your telling me there are still people out that aren’t suspicious of a camera crew filming them at work. Working on my sob story to tell
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08-21-2018 22:24 by Smeebert
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If you have a kid named Cody your chances of owning a 4-wheeler increase by 150%.
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09-05-2018 02:44
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I read this article earlier..that said.."cows have four stomachs"...and I wondered if anyone had checked this?..because it sounds like the sort of thing a cow would come out with to get more food?
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09-12-2018 20:39 by Truman
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I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.
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09-14-2018 08:08
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: "So he was medium build, grey hair, grey eyes, grey tie, a grey suit and grey shoes?"
DOG: "Correct"
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09-15-2018 08:01 by Truman
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I have nothing in common with people who have "left over" pain killers
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10-08-2018 12:11
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Do not accept a Friend Request from Lizzie Borden. You will get hacked.
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10-09-2018 06:54
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My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80's far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.
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10-10-2018 13:36 by Stevielea
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Not to brag but you’ll never have to tell me to slow down.
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10-12-2018 00:24
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My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!
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10-21-2018 05:44 by Truman
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When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don't deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you've done.
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10-21-2018 06:41
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I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
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11-01-2018 05:37
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"The New York marathon was found to be a more efficient way to get around the city."
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11-04-2018 21:31 by Ha.ha
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I think I turned back my clock way too much I just saw a guy with a mullet at Starbucks.
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11-05-2018 13:40
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My girl got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook pics of me with my friends the night before...
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02-25-2016 17:51 by XX-FOXY
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Anytime I’m sad, I picture a T-Rex playing the accordion and that usually cheers me right up.
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04-16-2018 14:49
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I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
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04-16-2018 15:10
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Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.
Trust is just something that was made up to sell relationships
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05-14-2018 08:33
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If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
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05-17-2018 06:58
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