Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 133 of 6384
To the austronauts left for space today, can you bring back another planet?
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05-31-2020 01:17
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It's a five minute walk from my home to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering...
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06-02-2020 09:29 by Gabe
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I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
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06-05-2020 10:45
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I just want the confidence of the first prehistoric fish who crawled out of the water like screw this I’m gonna change my life.
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06-19-2020 08:27
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My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.
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07-14-2020 19:45 by DJJackson
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If I was a roofer I'd go around saying I'm single and ready to shingle.
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07-17-2020 08:10
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Imagine my embarrassment at getting caught in the rain without a piña colada.
For once, I'd like to hear someone go "Yeah, I CAN believe it's already August....The time seems to be moving at the appropriate speed."
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08-05-2016 19:47
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All I want for Christmas is you ...... Just kidding I want Money
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12-14-2016 00:40
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Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
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03-18-2017 09:08
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Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.
My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.
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05-02-2017 06:41
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Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?
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05-30-2017 08:27
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when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall
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07-30-2017 22:52 by Eddy
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I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity.
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08-01-2017 09:18
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What the lottery really is.. "Hey guys, lets pool all our money together and make someone a millionaire!!
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08-25-2017 12:32 by Mr. K
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I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
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09-10-2017 20:45
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I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
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09-12-2017 09:04
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My doctor thinks I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I knew that's what he was thinking
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09-16-2017 14:42
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If you don't remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
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09-26-2017 21:00
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